To the woman who feels like an imposter,

I see you. I see you trying to contain your shine. Trying so desperately to blend in. Feeling like it’s just a matter of time until you’re exposed for the intruder you are. Sitting in a crowd is reduced to feeling as if everyone has some accreditation to be there. Surely everyone can tell you don’t have the qualifications, requirements, traits, background to be there. You put your mask on and attempt to melt into the group, surrendering yourself in the hopes of acceptance. Everyone has a VIP pass and yet somehow you’ve infiltrated the velvety red rope that separates the “us” from “them”. Looking around, everyone appears to have their life together; organized, presentable, eloquent…worthy. Suddenly you are exposed and raw; feeling every inadequacy and flaw as further proof that you don’t deserve to have that promotion, or job, or car, or degree, or business, or opportunity. You start to shrink, minimizing yourself in attempt of disguising your imposter status. But what if all those other people that you are elevating around you are really just confident imposters? When we remove the barriers we use to contain the traits and characteristics we feel are “too much”, our potential to succeed increases exponentially. What if the thing that makes you feel most like an imposter (your personality, age, gender, story) is the biggest asset you have to leverage? Our differences shouldn’t make us feel ashamed, forced to choose whether individual or group integrity is more beneficial. Stop hiding your light, it’s your superpower. As you live authentically, embracing each aspect of yourself, your tribe will come. Your light will attract those who can identify it. In the same way that the light spectrum has a plethora of frequencies unseen by the naked eye; your light will not illuminate everyone’s field of vision. But that’s ok. Just because we may not be able to see infrared light or ultraviolet light does that mean it doesn’t exist or effect us? No. So embrace your shine unapologetically. You are not an imposter. You have worked relentlessly to rise to the position you’re in. The power of your journey is that is uniquely yours. An imposter is defined as, someone who pretends to be someone else in an effort to deceive. The only time we truly are imposters is when we force ourselves to abandon our individuality in an effort to fit a certain job, corporate/work environment, school, relationship. Living courageously and confidently as yourself, is the only way to shed the cloak of imposter. Those times when you feel you don’t fit in, you have a choice, either allow the group identity to influence you or allow yourself to influence the group. Both choices require action, but only when we are able to maintain our sense of self are we truly rejecting the role of imposter. The reason women so often fall prey to imposter syndrome is because society has consistently been creating our narrative to be invalidated and less worthy. Don’t allow people who don’t know you to impose their story on you; write your own damn story. Find your voice, cultivate your passion, ignite the world with the light that is distinctly yours. Keep radiating your light. I see you. You are not an imposter.

 

I feel myself going numb,

trying all I can to overcome.

Acting like it’s all okay,

just to survive another day.

The emptiness engulfs my soul

and robs me of what makes me whole.

Drowning in the dark,

I sense Satan take his mark.

No longer able to find a way out

I’m drowning in an abyss of doubt.

Does my existence matter on this cosmic sphere?

Or am I doomed to live, just to disappear?

Sometimes the darkness within me is overwhelming. Usually it ebbs and flows to make itself known, but most of the time I am strong enough to calm the forceful tide it commands. But there are those times when it’s like a tsunami of negativity; my inner critic gets the megaphone and throws my hopeful, happy self in a jail in the bowels of my mind. Desperation rises as I fight to free myself of the suffocating agony, but like quicksand my efforts only cause me to sink deeper.

It’s terrifying to feel the bellowing build up of the wave of doubts, fears, past mistakes and regrets, so I fight. I fight so hard that I don’t allow myself what I need…stillness. I’ve come to realize that in the moments of desperation and suffering, I am called to surrender. Sitting in that break of insecurities, negative self talk, pessimism allows me to acknowledge it for what it truly is; LIES. Fighting their presence does me no good; because surely by putting up a fight I am allowing those lies to be perceived as my truth. But that is not my truth.

When I sense the tsunami of heartache, anxiety, depression on the horizon, I picture myself as a starfish on a rock. Starfish aren’t rocked by the waves or the forceful vengeance of the tides, they remain suction cupped to a rock. They don’t fight the water when it gets choppy, they find a rock. They are still.

I am that starfish when I find myself robbed of my hope and self-worth. I must find my rock…I must find God. But certainly, God is already with me, providing me with the rock of His promises, hope, joy, light. All I must do is anchor myself to Him and allow the waves of the manifestation of my darkest thoughts to crash over me, knowing that my rock is secure. These are the moments that I’m not strong enough for, but He is. I can’t combat the lies and insecurities when my very being is deceiving me, but He can. I may not be able to see my worth, but He does.

Some of you may never have experienced tribulations like this, and for that I praise God. But so many of us have. And my dear friends, you are not alone. On that rock there are other starfish, desperately holding onto the one who calms the seas. Stop fighting in the midst of the tsunami that’s raging within you and surrender because only then will you find the light that casts out darkness.

So be still. Find the rock granted to you for these exact moments. Your Heavenly Father wants to give you rest and peace while the waves crash over you.

You are precious and dearly loved. Your God is waiting to be the refuge you yearn for. Rest. Be held. Find peace. The storm will calm and you will emerge with purpose.

“Don’t hide your hurt, beautiful soul. Grab a hold of it. Run it through the purifying flame of your heart and mold it into something beautiful. Allow the depths of your pain to expand the breadth of your compassion. Gather up your stumbling stones and build a bridge for someone else. Remember what it’s like to be lost in darkness so you can be someone else’s much needed light. Don’t deny your pain or bury it away. Let it rise to the surface. And then transform it into something that makes it worthwhile.” – Cristen Rodgers

Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m treading water….while wearing ankle weights…and attempting to hold something above my head. School, financial stress, relationships, it never ends. It’s as if every responsibility is scheming to overtake me; to get me to throw in the towel and admit defeat.

The picture that comes to mind is that of the movie, The Guardian, you know the one, with Ashton Kutcher. There’s a scene where he is in the pool, treading water, holding a cooler size jug of water over his head that’s poring out.

This image feels incredibly relatable. The pool is life and the water jug contains our circumstances. At times that jug can be filled to the brim, making it heavy and impossible to hold up, while sometimes it may only be partially filled yet it continues to threaten us with it’s capsizing intent.

As we journey through life, we pick things up that start to accumulate in our containers; shame from the past, stress about finances, grief of loved ones, health concerns, traumatic experiences, flat tires, work demands. Each time we face trials and hold onto whatever negativity the situation brings, we are making our jug that much heavier. Sometimes it might be a minor inconvenience, like a flat tire on the way to work that adds just a pebble to the weight we carry. Other times it’s an agonizing experience of the loss of a loved one that drops a brick into that jug. Eventually it will overflow and come raining down on us as we try to remain above the water.

What if I told you that you could trade in that ominous jug you’re perpetually holding for a lifejacket? Would you do it?

So often we grab hold of negative experiences with a fervent desire to understand them so we may prevent any repeat occurrence. But what good does that do? Certainly none of us know what the future holds, or what maliciousness may be lurking around the corner. Life is not meant to be lived with a massive weight superglued to your hands as you fight to survive.

Sure we are all treading water amidst this pool we call life, but we don’t have to be chained to circumstances, memories, traumas, feelings.

It’s time to surrender that inclination to hold onto and ruminate on the hardships, injustices, trials, and wrongdoings. There is a a divine Father who is yearning for you to relinquish control of that jug. He wants to give you rest and peace. God sees you; weary, exhausted, burdened by your attempts to sustain yourself in the midst of this unpredictable life. He sees you, He loves you, He wants to free you. So put on your lifejacket, equipped with the promises and freedom granted to you by your Father. You’re not meant to spend life treading water and weighed down; you’re called to live freely in the secure safety of God. Surely His lifejacket is the only survival tool we need.

It’s time to live unbound by your circumstances.

It’s time to float.

You have a lifejacket my friend, will you accept it?

It is for freedom that Christ has set YOU free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of circumstance.

Galatians 5:1

You are an incredible display of God’s intimate craftsmanship. Uniquely created and strategically placed in this world to accomplish something great. No one experiences success without first facing defeat. It’s the fight within us that allows us to endure, to become stronger, braver, wiser. See, I have a theory that it is only in the exact moments of our weaknesses and courageous vulnerability that we catch a glimpse of the warrior dwelling within. Life is riddled with pain and yet so many of us try to contain and minimize the hurts. I’ve come to learn that one of the most toxic aspects of myself is that I stay silent. Everyone has a story and no one’s story is free of burdens, hardships, trials, hurts; that is one beautiful aspect of being human, we all face times like this. On some level we can all relate to each other through these shared experiences. It is the humanness within us that ties us together. Intricately connected to one another in ways waiting to be discovered. On the surface we might look remarkably different, and yet our hearts and souls sing in harmony.

“Within me, there is an animal, a warrior spirit. It is not male or female but it is made up of the collective battle cries of my ancestors. It will never back down. It will never be defeated.” -Nausicaa Twila

Throughout this endeavor, I want to pour into you the encouragement, wisdom, support that you are desperately searching for. I know my story will not be relatable to some, and by no means do I expect it to, but my hope is to give you the unfiltered lessons that I’ve learned. Everyone’s story is vital to training for this fight. Independently we may face trials that no one knows about, but what if the lesson you learned through your most painful experience is exactly what your neighbor, coworker, friend, or family member needs the most right now. What if your past was only part one of your training program? Are you willing to pick up your sword and shield and continue the fight?

It is time to unleash the warrior within and train intentionally for the battles to come.