I feel myself going numb,
trying all I can to overcome.
Acting like it’s all okay,
just to survive another day.
The emptiness engulfs my soul
and robs me of what makes me whole.
Drowning in the dark,
I sense Satan take his mark.
No longer able to find a way out
I’m drowning in an abyss of doubt.
Does my existence matter on this cosmic sphere?
Or am I doomed to live, just to disappear?
Sometimes the darkness within me is overwhelming. Usually it ebbs and flows to make itself known, but most of the time I am strong enough to calm the forceful tide it commands. But there are those times when it’s like a tsunami of negativity; my inner critic gets the megaphone and throws my hopeful, happy self in a jail in the bowels of my mind. Desperation rises as I fight to free myself of the suffocating agony, but like quicksand my efforts only cause me to sink deeper.
It’s terrifying to feel the bellowing build up of the wave of doubts, fears, past mistakes and regrets, so I fight. I fight so hard that I don’t allow myself what I need…stillness. I’ve come to realize that in the moments of desperation and suffering, I am called to surrender. Sitting in that break of insecurities, negative self talk, pessimism allows me to acknowledge it for what it truly is; LIES. Fighting their presence does me no good; because surely by putting up a fight I am allowing those lies to be perceived as my truth. But that is not my truth.
When I sense the tsunami of heartache, anxiety, depression on the horizon, I picture myself as a starfish on a rock. Starfish aren’t rocked by the waves or the forceful vengeance of the tides, they remain suction cupped to a rock. They don’t fight the water when it gets choppy, they find a rock. They are still.
I am that starfish when I find myself robbed of my hope and self-worth. I must find my rock…I must find God. But certainly, God is already with me, providing me with the rock of His promises, hope, joy, light. All I must do is anchor myself to Him and allow the waves of the manifestation of my darkest thoughts to crash over me, knowing that my rock is secure. These are the moments that I’m not strong enough for, but He is. I can’t combat the lies and insecurities when my very being is deceiving me, but He can. I may not be able to see my worth, but He does.
Some of you may never have experienced tribulations like this, and for that I praise God. But so many of us have. And my dear friends, you are not alone. On that rock there are other starfish, desperately holding onto the one who calms the seas. Stop fighting in the midst of the tsunami that’s raging within you and surrender because only then will you find the light that casts out darkness.
So be still. Find the rock granted to you for these exact moments. Your Heavenly Father wants to give you rest and peace while the waves crash over you.
You are precious and dearly loved. Your God is waiting to be the refuge you yearn for. Rest. Be held. Find peace. The storm will calm and you will emerge with purpose.
“Don’t hide your hurt, beautiful soul. Grab a hold of it. Run it through the purifying flame of your heart and mold it into something beautiful. Allow the depths of your pain to expand the breadth of your compassion. Gather up your stumbling stones and build a bridge for someone else. Remember what it’s like to be lost in darkness so you can be someone else’s much needed light. Don’t deny your pain or bury it away. Let it rise to the surface. And then transform it into something that makes it worthwhile.” – Cristen Rodgers
Holy Battleground 